I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
