Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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