I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
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