Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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