Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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