I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize