The maid of honor just puked.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
This toilet bowl is my home.
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