We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Randomize
