i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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