sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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