Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
