Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
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