dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
True college students do jello shots in the library
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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