She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
