Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Sober January is a disaster.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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