Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
