Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
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