While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
In other news, I just burned my penis
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
