So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
