Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Randomize
