"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Randomize
