No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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