I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
