So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I AM VODKA MAN
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
I made him laugh his dick is mine
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