What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
