I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
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