i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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