I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Randomize
