I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
