you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Randomize
