you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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