I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
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