Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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