please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
