hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
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