do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Randomize
