I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Randomize
