So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
