She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
