...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
