If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Randomize
