I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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