i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Randomize
