and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
