saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
