How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
ugly people sure do ruin things
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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