Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Randomize
