There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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