If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
All I want is dick and wine.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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