just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
