It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Randomize
