Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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