she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
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