Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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