You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
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