The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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