I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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