Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
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