my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
